Heal

There are three of us named Jen in one of my circles of friends. The cupcake twitter ladies we call ourselves.
We self identify by our callings. I, naturally am Nurse Jen.

Baker Jen can be found here:

http://cleverlydisguisedascake.blogspot.ca/

Preacher Jen can be found here:

http://thinkingchristian.ca/site/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1

I must also mention our heart...our honorary Jen...Liz can be found here:

http://lifewithbellymonster.blogspot.ca/


Ok, so some time ago five of the Cupcake Twitter Ladies cleared a spot in our schedules (no small task I assure you) and got together for dinner. We three named Jens sat on one side of the dinner table, randomly.

As usual we had an epic chat the five of us. We covered a lot of ground. Thankfully Sara was there to record and report, God bless her cotton socks.

http://www.theycallitgumption.com/2013/07/26/a-list-of-valuable-life-lessons-learned-from-a-girls-night-out/


As we sat around sharing and crying and pretending to eat, Liz looked up and dubbed us left to right "Heal, Bake and Pray"

I, apparently am Heal. We laughed and threw around the idea of a blog entitled "Heal, Bake and Pray" but we haven't organized it yet. So today I'm writing my piece of what would be the blog. Mostly because I can't get the danged thing out of my head and I'm hoping writing it down will do the trick.

What do I have to say about healing?

Well, it's not for the timid that's for  sure. There are in my experience two ways to go about it; you can fight and scream and rebreak the bones and cut open the scars or you can gentle into it and softly tend the wounds. Either way you have to START.

The real courage in healing is facing up to the unbalanced scarred parts. The really hard part is to look at yourself and your symptoms and admit they ARE symptoms and have them addressed.

To have the clarity and steely eyed determination to know you NEED to heal is the part where a lot of people fall down.
Not so much fall down as in fail, fall down as in fail to start.
It's soooo easy, so damned seductively easy to say "I don't have a problem, this isn't a problem,  YOU have a problem, Society has a problem, the system has a problem, the human race has a problem, every body else is an asshole...but hey...I'm fine."
It's also very easy to say "I was given this disease and I can't do anything about it. I'm helpless here, I'm a victim"

EVERYBODY has choices. Everybody. You can choose to ignore your high blood pressure as you eat your chips and kfc or you can choose to get it together and change your diet. You can choose to move from train-wreck to train-wreck emotionally or you can choose to find out, really find out how you contributed to your wreck.

It's not easy to look either of those things in the eye but it IS worth it.
It's worth it because once you do it's very hard to UNSEE it. If you can't unsee it, and you can sort out how your symptom impacts your life, fixing it is the logical next step.

You have to SEE it first, though. Really see it. Really understand how your high blood sugars will shut down your kidneys. Really see how your pervasive attitude affects those around you. Understand the impacts you have.

Because healing is not for the weak, or the cowardly, or the timid. It doesn't have to involve pain and anguish but it does have to have a place to start.

Prior Learning Recognition

So, I have a problem Internet. It's kind of stuck in my craw so to speak so I'm going to blog it out. This blog may well be a bit ranty...so you're forewarned.

I would like a degree, please.
I currently do not have one and they sure do look handy. Currently I do many of the skills that the RNs on my team do but they take home considerably more cash. Now, don't get me wrong, they earn their pay. Since our jobs don't look that different to me....I would like that take home as well.

Should't be too hard, right? I mean I have 10 years in the field. I should get plenty of prior learning credit. Right?
Here's where the rant starts...get out while there is still time.

I get no prior learning credit for my education or my experience.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zip.
Ziltch.

I get nothing from Loyalist...my alma matter. The nice people who gave me my RPN certificate and my 3.76 GPA. In fact...since I don't have a grade 12 biology or a high enough mark in my grade 12 chem....they would like me to take pre health sciences for a year before they'll let me apply to the RN program.
Pre Health Sciences.
Just for some perspective.....high school kids get direct access to apply to the RN program. I however have to take an extra year.
I graduated high school in 1995.

The OUIT folks tell me a similar story "nope...sorry can't help you. You'll need to upgrade to apply to our RN program"

I'll need to upgrade.
Up. Grade.

This is particularly ironic to me as I sit here recalling my last month of work.....Pronouncement of death, IV starts and maintenance, PICC Care, Trach Care, Ventilator Care, Catheters, Wound Care including application of compression, consultations with GP's, Surgeons, Psych, Social work, and Care Co-coordinators Mentoring and orienting new staff. 16 hour days, 14 days of on call.

But I need to upgrade.
Now...I've found out (with no help from anybody at either institution of higher education) that I can take the grade 12 chem and bio for $30 each through adult ed. This sure beats the roughly $5000 they each wanted to charge me for the pre-health program and I'm most likely going to do this. I mean, hell....it's $60. I spend more than that on coffee every month.
God Bless our fine public education system.

But I'm going to sit with this a while. Mostly because I'm offended.
I'm offended that according to these schools my last ten years have amounted to very little.

Now, I know different and I hope my patients feel differently as well but it's a little like a slap in the face to have a desk jockey look you in the eyes and tell you that your hard won skills and experience amount to very little.

That you have to start at the beginning. At less than the beginning actually, kind of in the basement.
I'll remember that the next time I get a 3am call to get out of bed and help a panicked patient.

Also, I'm sorry...but didn't I hear something about a shortage of RN's? Aren't we looking to increase the numbers? Well here I am boys, with my nose pressed against the glass....but the door looks to be locked.

Since I'm a shopping kind of girl it occurs to me that I should ask Loyalist for my tuition money back. I mean, if they certificate they gave me isn't worth much by their own pronouncement....I'd like my money back please.
I could use it to take a year of pre health sciences.
Wouldn't that be a riot?

I have no Tolerance

Today is Pride day in Belleville.
It's a pretty banner day in that Belleville is a small town with many small town ideals. So today is pretty damned exciting.
Unfortunately I cannot attend the parade as I had hoped to support my friends and the community at large in celebrating the achievements and strides the LGBTQ community has made.

In lieu of my attendance here is my stance.

I do not Tolerate the rights of the LGBTQ community.

tol·er·ate  

/ˈtäləˌrāt/

Verb Allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference. Accept or endure (someone or something unpleasant or disliked) with forbearance.

To Tolerate this group of people and their struggle for equality and acceptance means that I endure them. 

I absolutely do not endure them. 

I celebrate them.

I cheer them.

I embrace them.

Love is a precious thing. Real love is a rare thing. Love among a statistical minority is a miraculous thing. It means that against great odds two people who are right for each other have found each other. They have dedicated themselves to each other despite oppositions from society and possibly those close to them. 

They risk stigmatisation and prejudice and violence to be who they are and love who they love.

Who am I to merely endure such brave, honest people? I'd be a fool is what. 

My mama didn't raise no fools.

So happy pride day my friends. Celebrate how far you've come. Dance, sing, love. Wear the rainbow proudly. 

Faith in Humanity...courtesy of The County

Sometimes I lose my faith in Humanity. I'm not ashamed to admit I have moments where hermit hood looks appealing to me.
It cant' be that hard, right? Just buy an old farmhouse, live off the land. Get a few cows n chickens n such. Right?
Right?

My family is laughing their collective butts off right now. I dislike yard work. I'm "indoorsy". Shaddup.

Anyway...this week my faith in humanity was rippled again. A couple in Kingston received not only one but two hate filled letters condemning their relationship, offering to move them out of the limestone city and promising retribution should they not go.

Honestly. In this day and age.
That anyone in Canada should be subject to this kind of ridiculous threat is obscene. It's got facepalm written allll over it.

Thankfully I've been working in The County. For those of you from Away, The County is Prince Edward County. Furthest point south in Hastings / Prince Edward, home of vineyards and antique shops galore.

I don't see that part however, I'm in homes doing nursing.
In 44 degree weather, that's 111 F for my 'Merican readers.
44 in the shade with no AC in my car.
Getting a little cranky and very lost and too damned hot.

Then the Humanity kicked in.
Now I'll give you a little perspective....The County is a fairly conservative spot. Not deep south conservative..that would be un Canadian. But mostly old farmers and other blue collar type folks. There's money down there to be sure...I just usually don't see it.

So I'm in blue collar county, in 44 degree weather , did I mention I hate the heat? Driving around in my no AC having car cranky as all get out.

And every single patient I saw insisted on giving me a drink of something cool. Many of them wouldn't let me leave the A/C in their homes until my cheeks had un pinkened. I was gifted sympathy cookies. Chocolate chip no less.

In the face of a severe storm warning I was advise not once, but twice that if funnel clouds showed up I was to return to the patient's homes for shelter. I don't live in the County and they didn't want me risking the drive home.

Disgust was expressed on behalf of the Kingston couple and ice cream was offered.

So, when I needed it most...when my faith in humanity had suffered a ripple and my patience was near the end I was propped up by the salt of the earth types I was there to serve.

I had some caregiver guilt about this honestly, but then I was reminded that all the universe in energy and nature hates a vacuum. When I was empty, I was topped up.

The two incidences may not be directly linked in every one's experience but they were in mine. Some humans suck, thankfully there are far more who do not.

For the Boys.

I did  a blog a while back on the fact that Adulthood is not what I expected it to be.

Part of that blog lamented a lack of a life map. I like maps, they tell you how to get places.

But I suppose that since everybody's destination is soooo very different a map would not be practical. I mean, maps don't always allow for side trips and exploring.

So what I think is more suitable are guidelines. Life Guidelines.

So, this list ( I also like lists) is for my boys.

Not that their parents won't teach them this stuff, they probably will. This is a written list for them to refer to.

Negotiate:
Unless we're talking about baths, homework or supper. There is no negotiation in supper. You just eat it. Vegetables too. Other than that negotiation is the way to go in life. You do NOT have to accept every thing as is. Negotiate yourself a pay rate, a raise, a lower interest rate, a schedule, an upgrade, more time or less time.
You have nothing to lose by asking for what you want. You have very little chance of getting it if you DON'T ask.

ASK QUESTIONS:
Asking questions is not stupid, in fact only stupid people never ask. So sayeth Aunt Jen. You ask any time you don't understand what's going on, what your responsibilities are, what you can expect out of a situation and if you don't understand the words being used. You ask UNTIL you understand. Don't let anybody tell you that you have no right to ask questions. They're lying to you. Don't agree to anything until you understand what's what.

Not everything that's shiny is worth having:
This includes toys and people. It's very easy to be fooled by shine. Slow down, look deeper. Shiny things aren't always durable things. Shiny things aren't always things you can count on. Sometimes they are but not every time. You don't need to have EVERYTHING that shines.
Now this is a tricky one. Some adults don't know this one...they spend a lot of time chasing the newest, shiniest thing they see. This almost never goes well.

Don't lie: 
You're only as good as your word. I don't care what the world tells you about qualifications, and connections and skills. Many many times the decision about who gets the raise, the promotion, the opportunity or the prize comes down to your character. If people can't trust you they won't give you important things. Like their money, their business or their hearts.

Budget:
It's boring and restrictive but do it anyway. If you don't know how...find somebody who does.

You don't need an excuse:
If you are in a situation or with a person and you don't feel comfortable. Don't wait for "the right time" or a reason to get out. Just get out. Just stand up and walk away. You have a set of instincts that are designed to keep you safe. Listen to them. They may not always make sense but it's better to feel slightly foolish than wish to hell you had listened to your instincts.

Failure is not Failure:
The only failure is to quit trying. Failure will teach you more than success. Failure doesn't mean you are a bad person or stupid or a loser. It means you're human and have the chance to learn something.

Enjoy People who are Different:
If everybody was the same that would be HORRIBLE. We need different kinds of people to be able to learn new things, look at problems from a different perspective and have to opportunity to enjoy getting to know someone.

Everybody has feelings. Everybody:
Even if they are mean, or different. They have feelings. Try not to hurt feelings if you can help it. But don't put up with anybody hurting yours either.

Both sides of the Bedpan: a Nurse's experience as a patient.

I spend a lot of time wondering about my patient's perspectives and experiences. I feel it's the hall mark of a good health care provider to ensure that my patients feel comfortable with me and the processes they are involved in to the best of my ability.

My dedication comes from several sources. One, I have wanted to be in the health care field since I was a child. Two, I have friends/family who are heavily involved in the patient side of  health care and I get to hear their perspectives, worry and frustrations. I vow that my patients will never experience with me the things I have seen these people go through. Three I am customer service trained from my days in high end resorts where I was empowered by the management to find and fix guest issues.

The biggest view shaping though has come from my own experiences.

It has been said that the most effective doctors / nurses are those who have been sick, very sick at sometime in their lives. Now, I would never wish anyone ill but I have to say that I agree with this philosophy. I know what being ill has done for my practise.

I know very very well what it's like to know something is wrong with your body and not be able to get the people in charge of your health to take you seriously. I know the frustration, the exhaustion, the fear and the worry.

I know what it's like to be in an ER at three AM having been dragged there by a well meaning friend who was beside herself with worry only to be metaphorically handed my hat and shown the door.

I know that feeling despite being a 10 year veteran of the health care field. Despite my personal health record keeping, my ability to use the lingo and my very clear and concise and consistent reporting of my concerns.

I know the stunned rage of having a physician stand with unmitigated gall  and tell me they "empathise with my pain" and my diagnosis is their "best guess" while consistently avoiding giving  me the definitive diagnostics I ask for or the dignity of talking to me in a meaningful way about my future.

I know what it's like to start to wonder if I'm crazy because if the doctors and the nurses and the diagnostics say I'm fine, the pain I'm experiencing must be psychosomatic. That is a terrifying moment.

I also know that moment when somebody, in a hospital not in my home town looks me in the face and asks me what my expectations are. That moment when I am told that indeed, I'm not crazy. There's a problem here and we're going to get to the bottom of it.

That sun came out from behind the clouds moment when I have in front of me a  person who listens to me, takes me seriously and says "here's the plan, here's the time line, here's what I expect to find and here's what we're going to do about it if we find it."

That is the moment when I cried.

It took me three years to get that moment.

Three years of using my professional knowledge to record and report my issues. Three years of talking the lingo, asking the questions, self advocating and trying to partner.

The point of this story is this.....if it takes ME three years of talking and asking and hoping and waiting while in pain with all my clinical knowledge and skills WHAT is happening to patients without these skills and knowledge?

What is happening to patients who are cowed by the health care system? Who think that doctors and nurses are the be all and end all?

How badly are we failing people by not giving them the tools to partner in their own care? How many cracks are there to fall through?

What would happen if we asked every SINGLE patient what their expectations are? If we gave them the plan, and told them the expected outcomes? What if we ended every patient interaction with the phrase I was taught in resort industry: "do you have any questions, comments or concerns? Have we covered everything you needed covered today?"

One simple phrase, backed by a change in the basic philosophy of care can, if not alter outcomes significantly alter experiences.

Don't nobody look good on surgery day....but I was happy as all get out to finally have the procedure.

Well, THAT'S embarrassing.

 It seems there is a current trend in politics for people in power to come across as power hungry, win at all costs types.
There is certain level of disdain for the rules and the public trust.

The current theme seems to be "I'm in charge and I'm right and I don't have to answer to anyone"

Now, I've got a problem with this on several levels. Obviously I resent a public figure who thinks they are not accountable to the public. In my view, we hired you. You work for us.

I have a problem with  public figures who disdain the rules. The rule of law, and the rule of parliamentary procedure are not negotiable. They are not to be applied selectively. That is the definition of tyranny.

The biggest problem I'm having at this moment, however is embarrassment.

Why am I embarrassed you ask? Well, Internet. I'll tell you.

I'm embarrassed for my country. As if our leader's decisions to pull out of Kyoto and the Anti-drought convention wasn't bad enough,currently we have the audacity to claim we have the moral authority to be in third world countries "helping them toward democracy" as Peace Keepers and as Elections Canada Officials.

But the reality is that we are living under a government that got it's mandate through fraud and voter suppression. Whether Justice Mosley has ruled that the fraud he found altered the outcome of the 2011 election or not is moot.

The point is that there was Election Fraud. In Canada.

Let that sink in for a moment.



We look foolish on the world stage.
Our hard won reputation for fairness, integrity, and honesty is swirling the drain.

The question is:
What are we going to do about it?

The Nursing Home Issue.

There is a disturbing video making the rounds of the Internet and news. It shows  hidden camera footage from a nursing home.

In the video a woman with advanced dementia is subjected to abuse by a staff member, she has a facecloth with her own feces on it shoved in her face and she is roughly handled during a bed bath. In other scenes two employees nuzzle each other suggestively while in this woman's room with her in the bed.
In yet a third scene another resident wanders past a barrier and into her room and sorts through her belongings.

Ok, so I have a 100 year old grandmother. I have been a nurse for 10 years. Naturally my knee jerk response was to lose my nut.

But then I got to thinking. I'm a thinker, Internet. I think alot. Sometimes when I ought to be sleeping.

When I set aside my outrage at the treatment this woman endured and I view the events through a clinical lens, I see different things.

I see process failure, for one thing. Why was this careworker left alone to do the personal care on an elderly woman with dementia? This almost never goes easily. Its a two person job. Done properly its one person doing the care and the other person running distraction. This is not to excuse the care worker's behaviour. This is to point out places where changes can and should be made.

Work with dementia and some behaviourally challenged patients should be done in pairs. It's safer for the health worker and safer for the client.
This may translate to an increased staffing cost, but I think its worth it.

The romantic couple is another situation all together. There is never a place for this behaviour in  a work setting. Let alone in  patient's room with them present.
This disturbs me on many levels. Certainly the lack of professionalism is a problem but I have to wonder if this is an isolated incident. It look pretty familiar to me.
I worry that this reflects badly on male health care workers in particular. I have to say that male nurses and PSW's endure their share of prejudice. I hope that people see this for what it is....two individuals acting poorly.

The wandering patient also looks like  process failure to me. Now, it's difficult to judge without knowing the wandering patient's history but again this behaviour doesn't look hesitant to me. It looks practised. Clearly the yellow no wander barrier is not working. Which would indicate a need for a different intervention.


http://www.chextv.com/News/LN/13-05-16/Hidden_Camera_Reveals_Shocking_Abuse_at_Long_Term_Care_Home.aspx

In heath care, especially when working with vulnerable patients we must be ever mindfull of our actions. This video casts us all in a potentially poor light. I, for one resent the hell out of these workers.

There are thousands of heath care staff in this province working hard on a daily basis to be worthy of the trust the public puts in us when they leave thier loved ones in our hands. That work has been diminished by the behaviour of these three people.

We need to look at how we are delivering our care both personally and systemically. We have to be worthy of the public's trust.

Brothering and Sistering. This is how you do it.

April 11th was national Sibling day.
This would have escaped my notice entirely if not for my sister and Facebook.

My sister's status on that day read:

"In honor of National Sibling Day I'd like to send out a big salute to the worlds best brother and sister, Chris Nunn and Jennifer Nunn. You're not just around when it's convenient, but when it's a real pain in the ass too. I love you."

So, naturally I got a bit teary. You can never hear too much that people love you. Especially people who have known you your whole life. Parents are one thing, they kind of have to love you. They made you.


Siblings are a WHOLE different thing. I mean you kinda have a history with them so you love em...but you aint gotta like em. In fact I can tell you stories of what I like to call horror siblings. Brothering and Sistering gone so horribly wrong it would make your hair curl.


But those jerks aren't my brother and sister. Thank God for that.

So in honor of my brother and sister, here's an outline of how brothering and sistering should go. These are based on my brother and sister and there's plenty of people who could learn a thing or two from them.


Brothering.

My brother is the show-up-ingest dude I know.
I got a problem, I call my brother. He hangs windows and paints walls and hauls furniture. He will gladly speak to anyone who disrespects  our sister or I.
He's the first guy to show up and the last guy to leave.
When our sister was in ICU he cut her grass and did her gardens so she didn't have to worry and her husband didn't have to think about it. We paced the halls together for two days that week.

I take my 12 year old nephew with me to his house to show him how men should act. He accepts my boy even if he's not our blood. He talks to him, and plays with him and praises him. My nephew's dad is a great guy, but you can never have too many good examples.

This is how brothering should go. Brothers are supposed to be your example of how a man should treat you. Their job is to go first into the world to make sure everybody knows you have backup.

They're supposed to eyeball the guy you are dating and tell you from a man perspective if he's a loser or not.


Sistering

My sister is the got-your-back-ingest girl I know. You sure as hell don't want to be overheard talking trash about me near my sister. No sir. That's trouble.
She's the first one to tell me if I'm being a jerk and the first one to tell anybody else who suggests it where they can go.

She'd never let me leave the house looking bad.
She shops with me to make sure I look good.

When Mom is away we split "Dad duty". We make sure there is food in the fridge and the house is reasonably clean.

I take her with me and my ex sister in law when we go out. My ex sister in law doesn't have a sister and that's a damned shame. So I share mine with her.

She reminds me that I'm worthy of what ever I want in this life. She gets upset if I don't believe her.

This is how sistering should go. Sisters are supposed to prop you up when you're down. They're supposed to make sure you and everybody else remembers that you're a rock star.

Their job is to tell you if your friends are really frienemies.


This is the barest outline of Brothering and Sistering. There is a whole depth of support and acceptance that I cannot put into words but am eternally grateful for. I feel a lot of empathy for people who don't have siblings, or have siblings who don't know how to do the job.

If you are one such person, feel free to share this blog with your siblings. We'll show 'em how it's supposed to be done.



That's us....WAY back in the day. No, my sister didn't let me leave the house in that shirt.

Thank God for the children.

Recently I've seen two very good examples of teenagers protesting what they feel is unfair behavior by their elders.

The kids in a high school in the US are protesting the firing of a teacher who was terminated when her lesbian partnership became public knowledge.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/high-school-fires-teacher-after-her-partners-name-appeared-i




Another teen is filing an injunction against her principle who threatened her college career for daring to stand up against a conservative speaker who was using inflammatory rhetoric to give misinformation about the effectiveness of birth control and push her personal religious agenda.

http://thinkprogress.org/health/2013/04/17/1883121/west-virginia-abstinence-assembly/


This is not the first time I've seen teens doing great things to uphold the moral standards they've been taught and I applaud them and others like them.

But I'm a thinker, Internet. I do a lot of thinking. Sometimes when I ought to be sleeping.

While it is fantastic that these kids have the moral fiber  and fortitude to stand up to authority in the name of what's right, I'm disturbed that they need to.

These are still children. They should not have to defend the right. That's supposed to be the Grown Up's job.

We spend a lot of time and resources as adults teaching our kids the right way to act. We have rallies and anti bullying campaigns. We monitor their media intake for content, we lecture them about being polite and empathetic.

Then we don't necessarily walk the talk.

As a society we are bogged down in religious intolerance, and bigotry and hate.
We participate in political smear campaigns with glee and love watching "Reality Tv" wherein combatants disrespect each other and gossip and plot.

We demonize other cultures in the name of fear, and name call on social media.

So, thank God for the children. They seem to be living the life we are supposed to be mirroring for them. They're not perfect by any means, they're kids after all. But at least they're trying.

It would be a really fantastic state of affairs if we as the Adults would remember that we need to practice what we preach or we lose our moral authority to direct.

The kids are watching, so let's be really really clear about what they are seeing and whether or not it's what we want them to see.

Dear Steve;

Dear Steve;



You don't know me, and that's ok. You probably wouldn't like me anyway. I'm fine with that, I'm not too thrilled about you, either.

Here's why you won't like me Steve. I made a list. I'm a bit of a list maker.

I'm a Woman.
Yessir. It's true. It looks to me like you don't like women very much, Steve. You claim to have lost control over your caucus and are unable to curtail their anti abortion debate hoopla. Well, for a man who has exercised the most control over his caucus in Canadian history (some say it's draconian, but I'm not so sure about that) I don't buy that you've lost control. I think this is a calculated attempt to test the current political waters and see how much we women are willing to tolerate on this issue. I urge caution here, Steve. I really do. I don't know if you've noticed but angry Canadian women are a bit of a handful. We have long memories.
It also occurs to me that you don't like to support women who DO have babies. The current cuts to EI would make it very difficult for women who take maternal leave to get EI later if their jobs dry up. Which in this economy let's face it, is a real possibility.
I certainly don't feel like you have my back so to speak....you know. As a woman.

I'm a Canadian
Which I understand you are too. That's what I hear anyway. It seems odd to me though that a man born in this country would show such disrespect for it's name. I mean, replacing the name of the country with your own name is pretty disrespectful, don'tcha think? I just hate calling it the Harper Government. It doesn't have the same ring to it.
 My grandfather served in the Canadian military (not the Harper military, mind you) I have a great respect for our veterans. Which is another point we differ on. I just keep thinking that anyone who stands up for this country and chooses to leave it to fight should have whatever they need when they get home. This includes the funds for their relatives to bury them and extensive mental health care if it's required.

I'm a Socialist.
Dyed in the wool, sir. I love socialism. I may grumble about my taxes but I'd rather pay them and walk around happy knowing that they're helping people who are vulnerable. I have this odd theory, see. That the country that can count on each other can prosper together. That a society is judged on it's ability to take care of it's least powerful. Not it's most.
Now in fairness, I'm employed in health care, which in Canada is universal so I may be biased. Then again maybe I have a very good insight into what our tax dollars buy us. And what would be lost if we don't continue to take care of each other.

I'm a Conservationist.
From a long line of tree hugging hippies. No kidding. So I gotta tell you Steve, this removal of protection for our waterways at the same time an oil pipeline goes through throws alllll sorts of flags for me. Ok, they're actually air raid sirens.
I'm not so foolish as to think the Oil sands are going away. As the second largest reserve of oil on the planet, it's here to stay. I just think we need to be a little more cautious about how we pull the stuff outta the ground. I  mean, since the oil isn't going anywhere, we have the time to do this thing right. Not go at it like drunken frat boys. You  know, like we're doing right now.
I gotta tell you Steve, while I see the benefit of making sure we maximise our profit from the black gold I think it would be wise to ensure our continued use of the blue gold. You know, WATER. That substance that without which life on this planet as we know it would change. The stuff that the great lakes currently hold 21% of the world's portion of drinkable allotment.
You remember the Great Lakes, don't ya Steve? That's where you want to allow the pipe line to go. Right next to the greatest fresh system of water in North America. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm an Aunt
I know this one may confuse you.
That's cool.
I have 5 nephews. They're my boys. I get a little fierce if I think somebody is messing with them. I think you're messing with them, Steve.
I think if you are allowed to continue running rough shod over their country; their country is going to go from being one of the best places on earth to one of the worst.  We're already an international embarrassment. You've ruined our reputation on the international stage. You've taken the surplus our parents gave you and turned it into the debt my boys are going to have to pay for.
You're trying to tell them that there is so much in Canada to be afraid of, and that's simply not true. We don't need the super max prisons you're building and they don't need to be afraid of immigrants. They  also don't need to fear the Quebecois or the protesters.

About the only thing that should scare them in Canada (besides another NHL strike) is you, Steve.

Sincerely
Feminist, Socialist, Tree Hugging, Left wing Aunt Jen

The worst job in the world.

Imagine if you had a job you hated.
I mean it really sucked.

Imaging if you went to work every day with a knot of dread in your stomach cause this job was so horrible.
You have a co-worker who is rotten. I mean for real like some sort of sociopath rotten.

You've been yelled at by this co-worker, you've been ostracised and threatened. You've had lies told about you to all the other staff, horrible offensive lies. And because this co-worker is kind of the office star the lies are believed.

Comments have been made about your physical attributes, or lack thereof and even your clothing style is up for pointed, nasty discussion.

At some points in the parking lot you've been struck. Physically hit.

Now you can't quit this job. It's just not an option.

You have to go. Five days a week (TGIF never sounded so good) you get up, get dressed and head out.

You can't retaliate against this co-worker. It's just not done. Besides, they're bigger. You'd get hurt pretty badly.

The best part of this? Nobody you've spoken to sees this as a problem. The general attitude seems to be "welcome to work. it'll make you tougher"

So, naturally you've quit talking about the harassment and violence.

You've probably become withdrawn and emotional. You feel ill all the time. The stress is really getting to you. You  probably aren't sleeping well.  After all, long term abuse will do that to a person.

So, Internet.
Are you confused by this story? This horrible trip to the land of imagination?
I find it confusing.
I mean, where I work we have a very stringent anti-harassment policy. Its fashioned after the Bill C-168 legislation. It's taken very seriously.
So how could a work place like this exist in Canada? I mean, really. If a co-worker ever struck me in the parking lot of the office the cops would be called. Assault charges laid.

Imagine for a second that this is not a work place. Imagine it's a school.
Does it make sense now?

Until we have the same stringent laws to protect our children in school as we do our adults in their workplaces we are failing.

Straight out failing.

So let's talk about it...

Today is Bell Let's Talk Day.
Now, normally I don't like Bell, I think their customer service is probably the worst in the country.
But I like this initiative.
I really do, even though I'm aware that it's about half Bell advertising.
Why do I like this initiative? Because it seeks to promote dialogue about mental illness.
You know mental illness, it's the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about till they're suffocating in elephant paddies.
So the question is: Why?
Why would people who have a mental illness sit and suffer and not get help?
Two reasons that I can see:
1) stigma
2) lack of knowledge

Let's look at stigma:
Its  a not uncommon misconception that mental illness is indeed a weakness of character, a cry for attention or straight up laziness.
I call bull shit on that
Mental illness is a complex set of neurochemical, perceptive and emotional responses to stimuli that keep people from achieving the goals they set out to do.
Nobody wants to be depressed. Trust me, it sucks in ways that non depressed people can't begin to imagine.
It's not sadness, sadness you can get over.
It's a chemical imbalance.
The problem with it is that it's a chemical imbalance that no research has yet to come up with a key to. There's no map.

Which leads me to a lack of knowledge:
Mental illness, specifically depression has no identified primary neurochemical pathway despite 40 years of concentrated research.
What the hell does that mean?
It means that although we know depression is a chemical imbalance similar to diabetes say, we don't know which chemicals are imbalance in which numbers enough to have a magic cure. We have no insulin for depression.
Why? Well, that's a question for the researchers but my theory is this: the human mind is too complex for a simple quick fix for everybody.
Every experience we have changes who we are and how we perceive things.
So the treatments have to be tailored to the person.
A combination of possibly: drug therapy, talk therapy, diet, exercise, alternative medicine and or spiritual guidance.
Since each protocol has to be tailored to each person, it can take a looooong time to get the elements just right. And you have to keep at the doctors and therapists to make sure you have the best protocol. The one that works for you.


So the irony of mental illness is that when you have depression and each day is a struggle to be able to get the energy and the attention to work and do your basic activities of life and you're struggling alone due to the jaded opinions of those around you, you have to get yourself together enough to be determined to get your treatment protocol organised.

So what can we do? What can we do to support the people around us with this struggle?

Let's get rid of the silence. Let's talk about it.
Lets be wise enough to understand that the first step is to stand behind people who are suffering so that they have the support to go and get a treatment protocol.

Little boy gone.

Today is the Day, Internet.
January the 17th.
Two years ago today two people got up in the morning to get their kids off to school and one of the boys was too still and too pale.
And he stayed that way.
He doesn't laugh in the living room any more and he doesn't fight when he's getting changed any more.

Now, this doesn't mean that he's gone. I can still smell the smell of his little head from time to time. Just randomly. Like when I'm in the car going to work or taking his brother to church.

Why in the car? Well, hell. I don't know.

So what am I going to say two years later? That my heart is still more than a little bit broken? I'd assume that was pretty obvious.

That I still am not sure why he had to go? Well, I kinda do. So that doesn't count.
That the hole got filled in? It didn't. It probably won't.

What I am going to say is that this little piece of the path has taught me some things. Things I wish to hell I didn't know.

Things I wish nobody ever had to learn. But we do, don't we Internet? Cause nobody here gets out alive. We are all on the clock.

Morbid little thing, ain't I?

Today, yes I am. And I have to reiterate. It's my blog. Want sunshine and flowers? Come back tomorrow.

I have learned that the first year is not the hardest. Aww hells no. You're still in shock. The first Christmas and the first Easter and the first anniversary you're still in shock. It's the second year that'll get ya. Shock has a certain insulating quality to it. That's it's job. But by year two the shock is gone and just the raw nerves remain. The hole.

Year two is also far enough away from the main event that some of  people who had the grace to be respectful have lost that grace. There's a sense (and sometimes a direct statement) that it should be in the past and over with by this point. As though grief had an expiry date.

What utter absolute and not to be believed bull shit. Does joy have an expiry date? Or fear? No. Then why should grief?

I have learned that a great heart rending loss doesn't buy you any slack. People who want to be ass holes are gonna do it regardless of the shreds your heart is in. Now I never thought that having a heart ripped in two would cause the real world to go away permanently but I'm stunned that it doesn't at least buy some respect for the people who deserve it from the people who should know better.

Socio-paths are socio-paths after all.

I have learned that each loss links the mind and heart back to the greatest loss. Each loss regardless of the nature of that loss. Associated to the great loss or not your brain doesn't know the difference, it just feels the loss all over again. Nifty trick...eh?

I have learned the taste of panic. It's a little metallic and bitter with the knowledge of what could happen.

I have learned that there is a thing out in the world called complicated grief. Its a condition in which the psyche cannot reconcile the loss it has sustained. Some professionals are adept and handling it. Some not so much. It can cause you to stop in the middle of joy and feel guilty.

I have learned that love makes me fierce and anxiety makes me throw up.

I have learned that support can  come from unexpected  places.

What do I want today?

Well, I'll tell you Internet exactly what I want.
I want every person who reads this who has a child or loves a child to go and hug that child.
Feel their little heart beat. Feel their warm little hands and feet. Smell their little heads. Kiss their little faces.

And tomorrow when they get out of their little beds sleepy and tousled and looking for juice I want you to stop for a moment in your kitchen and be grateful. Today you don't know what its like to be in an empty kitchen with your heart in shreds and panic in your mouth.

I hope to hell you never do.

When I'm a grown up.....

I'm a thinker.
You've heard this about me before Internet. But it's true.
I've been a thinker all my life....I'm sure my mother can attest to this.
I remember thinking about things a lot when I was a child. I would spend time thinking about and waiting for when I was a "grown up".
I had a lot of interesting ideas about what it would be like when I "got there".

Some of them ain't gonna happen for sure. Like I highly doubt I'm going to be a Dr/ballerina/cowgirl at this point.
But some of them seemed reasonable to me then and I'm a little sad that they don't seem to be happening now.

I was hoping for more parties, quite frankly. I remember being small watching mom and dad get dressed up and pack a bag to go to Christmas parties at dad's company. There was going to be a dinner and a dance and gifts. And people got dressed up.

People don't really get dressed up and have parties anymore. Or dances or block parties or bbq's. And I'm disappointed in this.I had a picture in my head of having fun interesting things to get dressed up glamorously for. House parties, potlucks, card parties, bonfires, sleepouts, birthday parties, cocktail parties.  Where did all this stuff go? It's only this year that I've been to an honest to God Christmas party.
I am disappoint, adulthood.

I was thinking decision making would get easier when you were a grown up. When I was a kid, I was well aware that I didn't know half of what the hell was going on and so didn't need to make too many decisions. Besides, the adults seemed very sure in the decisions they were making. Resolute, no wavering. So what did I have to be worried about.
So I figured when you got to be an adult you knew what was what and therefore the right decision to make in any given situation. Like somebody handed you a playbook and it said "to get to any outcome, here's your procedure".

Like a life map.

Imagine my surprise when I got here and lo and behold not only do *I* not have a life map but nobody around me does either.

Well, somebeechsheet. As my dad is known to say. Now what? Just wing it? Me no likey.

And the awkwardness. When does that go away? I accepted being a geeky child. Everybody was a geeky child. I was a ok with being an awkward teen too...I mean, I didn't like it but I figured it would wear off. But here I am at 36 and sometimes its like I never got past 14. Where do I stand? What do I say without looking stupid? How do I make myself clear when communicating? Is my hair standing up all over my head? What the hell is that on my pants? How did I just walk into a door in front of an attractive man?

Frig a loo people.

My comfort in this is that we're all in the same boat. I talk to my friends and relatives and they express the same thoughts as me.

No life map, awkward as hell and home on Saturday night.

So I guess its not the end of the world that adult hood didn't hit me like majick wand. I'll muddle my way through like my ancestors before me.

But what the hell am I gonna do with all these party dresses?