Heal

There are three of us named Jen in one of my circles of friends. The cupcake twitter ladies we call ourselves.
We self identify by our callings. I, naturally am Nurse Jen.

Baker Jen can be found here:

http://cleverlydisguisedascake.blogspot.ca/

Preacher Jen can be found here:

http://thinkingchristian.ca/site/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1

I must also mention our heart...our honorary Jen...Liz can be found here:

http://lifewithbellymonster.blogspot.ca/


Ok, so some time ago five of the Cupcake Twitter Ladies cleared a spot in our schedules (no small task I assure you) and got together for dinner. We three named Jens sat on one side of the dinner table, randomly.

As usual we had an epic chat the five of us. We covered a lot of ground. Thankfully Sara was there to record and report, God bless her cotton socks.

http://www.theycallitgumption.com/2013/07/26/a-list-of-valuable-life-lessons-learned-from-a-girls-night-out/


As we sat around sharing and crying and pretending to eat, Liz looked up and dubbed us left to right "Heal, Bake and Pray"

I, apparently am Heal. We laughed and threw around the idea of a blog entitled "Heal, Bake and Pray" but we haven't organized it yet. So today I'm writing my piece of what would be the blog. Mostly because I can't get the danged thing out of my head and I'm hoping writing it down will do the trick.

What do I have to say about healing?

Well, it's not for the timid that's for  sure. There are in my experience two ways to go about it; you can fight and scream and rebreak the bones and cut open the scars or you can gentle into it and softly tend the wounds. Either way you have to START.

The real courage in healing is facing up to the unbalanced scarred parts. The really hard part is to look at yourself and your symptoms and admit they ARE symptoms and have them addressed.

To have the clarity and steely eyed determination to know you NEED to heal is the part where a lot of people fall down.
Not so much fall down as in fail, fall down as in fail to start.
It's soooo easy, so damned seductively easy to say "I don't have a problem, this isn't a problem,  YOU have a problem, Society has a problem, the system has a problem, the human race has a problem, every body else is an asshole...but hey...I'm fine."
It's also very easy to say "I was given this disease and I can't do anything about it. I'm helpless here, I'm a victim"

EVERYBODY has choices. Everybody. You can choose to ignore your high blood pressure as you eat your chips and kfc or you can choose to get it together and change your diet. You can choose to move from train-wreck to train-wreck emotionally or you can choose to find out, really find out how you contributed to your wreck.

It's not easy to look either of those things in the eye but it IS worth it.
It's worth it because once you do it's very hard to UNSEE it. If you can't unsee it, and you can sort out how your symptom impacts your life, fixing it is the logical next step.

You have to SEE it first, though. Really see it. Really understand how your high blood sugars will shut down your kidneys. Really see how your pervasive attitude affects those around you. Understand the impacts you have.

Because healing is not for the weak, or the cowardly, or the timid. It doesn't have to involve pain and anguish but it does have to have a place to start.

Prior Learning Recognition

So, I have a problem Internet. It's kind of stuck in my craw so to speak so I'm going to blog it out. This blog may well be a bit ranty...so you're forewarned.

I would like a degree, please.
I currently do not have one and they sure do look handy. Currently I do many of the skills that the RNs on my team do but they take home considerably more cash. Now, don't get me wrong, they earn their pay. Since our jobs don't look that different to me....I would like that take home as well.

Should't be too hard, right? I mean I have 10 years in the field. I should get plenty of prior learning credit. Right?
Here's where the rant starts...get out while there is still time.

I get no prior learning credit for my education or my experience.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zip.
Ziltch.

I get nothing from Loyalist...my alma matter. The nice people who gave me my RPN certificate and my 3.76 GPA. In fact...since I don't have a grade 12 biology or a high enough mark in my grade 12 chem....they would like me to take pre health sciences for a year before they'll let me apply to the RN program.
Pre Health Sciences.
Just for some perspective.....high school kids get direct access to apply to the RN program. I however have to take an extra year.
I graduated high school in 1995.

The OUIT folks tell me a similar story "nope...sorry can't help you. You'll need to upgrade to apply to our RN program"

I'll need to upgrade.
Up. Grade.

This is particularly ironic to me as I sit here recalling my last month of work.....Pronouncement of death, IV starts and maintenance, PICC Care, Trach Care, Ventilator Care, Catheters, Wound Care including application of compression, consultations with GP's, Surgeons, Psych, Social work, and Care Co-coordinators Mentoring and orienting new staff. 16 hour days, 14 days of on call.

But I need to upgrade.
Now...I've found out (with no help from anybody at either institution of higher education) that I can take the grade 12 chem and bio for $30 each through adult ed. This sure beats the roughly $5000 they each wanted to charge me for the pre-health program and I'm most likely going to do this. I mean, hell....it's $60. I spend more than that on coffee every month.
God Bless our fine public education system.

But I'm going to sit with this a while. Mostly because I'm offended.
I'm offended that according to these schools my last ten years have amounted to very little.

Now, I know different and I hope my patients feel differently as well but it's a little like a slap in the face to have a desk jockey look you in the eyes and tell you that your hard won skills and experience amount to very little.

That you have to start at the beginning. At less than the beginning actually, kind of in the basement.
I'll remember that the next time I get a 3am call to get out of bed and help a panicked patient.

Also, I'm sorry...but didn't I hear something about a shortage of RN's? Aren't we looking to increase the numbers? Well here I am boys, with my nose pressed against the glass....but the door looks to be locked.

Since I'm a shopping kind of girl it occurs to me that I should ask Loyalist for my tuition money back. I mean, if they certificate they gave me isn't worth much by their own pronouncement....I'd like my money back please.
I could use it to take a year of pre health sciences.
Wouldn't that be a riot?

I have no Tolerance

Today is Pride day in Belleville.
It's a pretty banner day in that Belleville is a small town with many small town ideals. So today is pretty damned exciting.
Unfortunately I cannot attend the parade as I had hoped to support my friends and the community at large in celebrating the achievements and strides the LGBTQ community has made.

In lieu of my attendance here is my stance.

I do not Tolerate the rights of the LGBTQ community.

tol·er·ate  

/ˈtäləˌrāt/

Verb Allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference. Accept or endure (someone or something unpleasant or disliked) with forbearance.

To Tolerate this group of people and their struggle for equality and acceptance means that I endure them. 

I absolutely do not endure them. 

I celebrate them.

I cheer them.

I embrace them.

Love is a precious thing. Real love is a rare thing. Love among a statistical minority is a miraculous thing. It means that against great odds two people who are right for each other have found each other. They have dedicated themselves to each other despite oppositions from society and possibly those close to them. 

They risk stigmatisation and prejudice and violence to be who they are and love who they love.

Who am I to merely endure such brave, honest people? I'd be a fool is what. 

My mama didn't raise no fools.

So happy pride day my friends. Celebrate how far you've come. Dance, sing, love. Wear the rainbow proudly. 

Faith in Humanity...courtesy of The County

Sometimes I lose my faith in Humanity. I'm not ashamed to admit I have moments where hermit hood looks appealing to me.
It cant' be that hard, right? Just buy an old farmhouse, live off the land. Get a few cows n chickens n such. Right?
Right?

My family is laughing their collective butts off right now. I dislike yard work. I'm "indoorsy". Shaddup.

Anyway...this week my faith in humanity was rippled again. A couple in Kingston received not only one but two hate filled letters condemning their relationship, offering to move them out of the limestone city and promising retribution should they not go.

Honestly. In this day and age.
That anyone in Canada should be subject to this kind of ridiculous threat is obscene. It's got facepalm written allll over it.

Thankfully I've been working in The County. For those of you from Away, The County is Prince Edward County. Furthest point south in Hastings / Prince Edward, home of vineyards and antique shops galore.

I don't see that part however, I'm in homes doing nursing.
In 44 degree weather, that's 111 F for my 'Merican readers.
44 in the shade with no AC in my car.
Getting a little cranky and very lost and too damned hot.

Then the Humanity kicked in.
Now I'll give you a little perspective....The County is a fairly conservative spot. Not deep south conservative..that would be un Canadian. But mostly old farmers and other blue collar type folks. There's money down there to be sure...I just usually don't see it.

So I'm in blue collar county, in 44 degree weather , did I mention I hate the heat? Driving around in my no AC having car cranky as all get out.

And every single patient I saw insisted on giving me a drink of something cool. Many of them wouldn't let me leave the A/C in their homes until my cheeks had un pinkened. I was gifted sympathy cookies. Chocolate chip no less.

In the face of a severe storm warning I was advise not once, but twice that if funnel clouds showed up I was to return to the patient's homes for shelter. I don't live in the County and they didn't want me risking the drive home.

Disgust was expressed on behalf of the Kingston couple and ice cream was offered.

So, when I needed it most...when my faith in humanity had suffered a ripple and my patience was near the end I was propped up by the salt of the earth types I was there to serve.

I had some caregiver guilt about this honestly, but then I was reminded that all the universe in energy and nature hates a vacuum. When I was empty, I was topped up.

The two incidences may not be directly linked in every one's experience but they were in mine. Some humans suck, thankfully there are far more who do not.

For the Boys.

I did  a blog a while back on the fact that Adulthood is not what I expected it to be.

Part of that blog lamented a lack of a life map. I like maps, they tell you how to get places.

But I suppose that since everybody's destination is soooo very different a map would not be practical. I mean, maps don't always allow for side trips and exploring.

So what I think is more suitable are guidelines. Life Guidelines.

So, this list ( I also like lists) is for my boys.

Not that their parents won't teach them this stuff, they probably will. This is a written list for them to refer to.

Negotiate:
Unless we're talking about baths, homework or supper. There is no negotiation in supper. You just eat it. Vegetables too. Other than that negotiation is the way to go in life. You do NOT have to accept every thing as is. Negotiate yourself a pay rate, a raise, a lower interest rate, a schedule, an upgrade, more time or less time.
You have nothing to lose by asking for what you want. You have very little chance of getting it if you DON'T ask.

ASK QUESTIONS:
Asking questions is not stupid, in fact only stupid people never ask. So sayeth Aunt Jen. You ask any time you don't understand what's going on, what your responsibilities are, what you can expect out of a situation and if you don't understand the words being used. You ask UNTIL you understand. Don't let anybody tell you that you have no right to ask questions. They're lying to you. Don't agree to anything until you understand what's what.

Not everything that's shiny is worth having:
This includes toys and people. It's very easy to be fooled by shine. Slow down, look deeper. Shiny things aren't always durable things. Shiny things aren't always things you can count on. Sometimes they are but not every time. You don't need to have EVERYTHING that shines.
Now this is a tricky one. Some adults don't know this one...they spend a lot of time chasing the newest, shiniest thing they see. This almost never goes well.

Don't lie: 
You're only as good as your word. I don't care what the world tells you about qualifications, and connections and skills. Many many times the decision about who gets the raise, the promotion, the opportunity or the prize comes down to your character. If people can't trust you they won't give you important things. Like their money, their business or their hearts.

Budget:
It's boring and restrictive but do it anyway. If you don't know how...find somebody who does.

You don't need an excuse:
If you are in a situation or with a person and you don't feel comfortable. Don't wait for "the right time" or a reason to get out. Just get out. Just stand up and walk away. You have a set of instincts that are designed to keep you safe. Listen to them. They may not always make sense but it's better to feel slightly foolish than wish to hell you had listened to your instincts.

Failure is not Failure:
The only failure is to quit trying. Failure will teach you more than success. Failure doesn't mean you are a bad person or stupid or a loser. It means you're human and have the chance to learn something.

Enjoy People who are Different:
If everybody was the same that would be HORRIBLE. We need different kinds of people to be able to learn new things, look at problems from a different perspective and have to opportunity to enjoy getting to know someone.

Everybody has feelings. Everybody:
Even if they are mean, or different. They have feelings. Try not to hurt feelings if you can help it. But don't put up with anybody hurting yours either.

Both sides of the Bedpan: a Nurse's experience as a patient.

I spend a lot of time wondering about my patient's perspectives and experiences. I feel it's the hall mark of a good health care provider to ensure that my patients feel comfortable with me and the processes they are involved in to the best of my ability.

My dedication comes from several sources. One, I have wanted to be in the health care field since I was a child. Two, I have friends/family who are heavily involved in the patient side of  health care and I get to hear their perspectives, worry and frustrations. I vow that my patients will never experience with me the things I have seen these people go through. Three I am customer service trained from my days in high end resorts where I was empowered by the management to find and fix guest issues.

The biggest view shaping though has come from my own experiences.

It has been said that the most effective doctors / nurses are those who have been sick, very sick at sometime in their lives. Now, I would never wish anyone ill but I have to say that I agree with this philosophy. I know what being ill has done for my practise.

I know very very well what it's like to know something is wrong with your body and not be able to get the people in charge of your health to take you seriously. I know the frustration, the exhaustion, the fear and the worry.

I know what it's like to be in an ER at three AM having been dragged there by a well meaning friend who was beside herself with worry only to be metaphorically handed my hat and shown the door.

I know that feeling despite being a 10 year veteran of the health care field. Despite my personal health record keeping, my ability to use the lingo and my very clear and concise and consistent reporting of my concerns.

I know the stunned rage of having a physician stand with unmitigated gall  and tell me they "empathise with my pain" and my diagnosis is their "best guess" while consistently avoiding giving  me the definitive diagnostics I ask for or the dignity of talking to me in a meaningful way about my future.

I know what it's like to start to wonder if I'm crazy because if the doctors and the nurses and the diagnostics say I'm fine, the pain I'm experiencing must be psychosomatic. That is a terrifying moment.

I also know that moment when somebody, in a hospital not in my home town looks me in the face and asks me what my expectations are. That moment when I am told that indeed, I'm not crazy. There's a problem here and we're going to get to the bottom of it.

That sun came out from behind the clouds moment when I have in front of me a  person who listens to me, takes me seriously and says "here's the plan, here's the time line, here's what I expect to find and here's what we're going to do about it if we find it."

That is the moment when I cried.

It took me three years to get that moment.

Three years of using my professional knowledge to record and report my issues. Three years of talking the lingo, asking the questions, self advocating and trying to partner.

The point of this story is this.....if it takes ME three years of talking and asking and hoping and waiting while in pain with all my clinical knowledge and skills WHAT is happening to patients without these skills and knowledge?

What is happening to patients who are cowed by the health care system? Who think that doctors and nurses are the be all and end all?

How badly are we failing people by not giving them the tools to partner in their own care? How many cracks are there to fall through?

What would happen if we asked every SINGLE patient what their expectations are? If we gave them the plan, and told them the expected outcomes? What if we ended every patient interaction with the phrase I was taught in resort industry: "do you have any questions, comments or concerns? Have we covered everything you needed covered today?"

One simple phrase, backed by a change in the basic philosophy of care can, if not alter outcomes significantly alter experiences.

Don't nobody look good on surgery day....but I was happy as all get out to finally have the procedure.

Well, THAT'S embarrassing.

 It seems there is a current trend in politics for people in power to come across as power hungry, win at all costs types.
There is certain level of disdain for the rules and the public trust.

The current theme seems to be "I'm in charge and I'm right and I don't have to answer to anyone"

Now, I've got a problem with this on several levels. Obviously I resent a public figure who thinks they are not accountable to the public. In my view, we hired you. You work for us.

I have a problem with  public figures who disdain the rules. The rule of law, and the rule of parliamentary procedure are not negotiable. They are not to be applied selectively. That is the definition of tyranny.

The biggest problem I'm having at this moment, however is embarrassment.

Why am I embarrassed you ask? Well, Internet. I'll tell you.

I'm embarrassed for my country. As if our leader's decisions to pull out of Kyoto and the Anti-drought convention wasn't bad enough,currently we have the audacity to claim we have the moral authority to be in third world countries "helping them toward democracy" as Peace Keepers and as Elections Canada Officials.

But the reality is that we are living under a government that got it's mandate through fraud and voter suppression. Whether Justice Mosley has ruled that the fraud he found altered the outcome of the 2011 election or not is moot.

The point is that there was Election Fraud. In Canada.

Let that sink in for a moment.



We look foolish on the world stage.
Our hard won reputation for fairness, integrity, and honesty is swirling the drain.

The question is:
What are we going to do about it?