Little boy gone.

Today is the Day, Internet.
January the 17th.
Two years ago today two people got up in the morning to get their kids off to school and one of the boys was too still and too pale.
And he stayed that way.
He doesn't laugh in the living room any more and he doesn't fight when he's getting changed any more.

Now, this doesn't mean that he's gone. I can still smell the smell of his little head from time to time. Just randomly. Like when I'm in the car going to work or taking his brother to church.

Why in the car? Well, hell. I don't know.

So what am I going to say two years later? That my heart is still more than a little bit broken? I'd assume that was pretty obvious.

That I still am not sure why he had to go? Well, I kinda do. So that doesn't count.
That the hole got filled in? It didn't. It probably won't.

What I am going to say is that this little piece of the path has taught me some things. Things I wish to hell I didn't know.

Things I wish nobody ever had to learn. But we do, don't we Internet? Cause nobody here gets out alive. We are all on the clock.

Morbid little thing, ain't I?

Today, yes I am. And I have to reiterate. It's my blog. Want sunshine and flowers? Come back tomorrow.

I have learned that the first year is not the hardest. Aww hells no. You're still in shock. The first Christmas and the first Easter and the first anniversary you're still in shock. It's the second year that'll get ya. Shock has a certain insulating quality to it. That's it's job. But by year two the shock is gone and just the raw nerves remain. The hole.

Year two is also far enough away from the main event that some of  people who had the grace to be respectful have lost that grace. There's a sense (and sometimes a direct statement) that it should be in the past and over with by this point. As though grief had an expiry date.

What utter absolute and not to be believed bull shit. Does joy have an expiry date? Or fear? No. Then why should grief?

I have learned that a great heart rending loss doesn't buy you any slack. People who want to be ass holes are gonna do it regardless of the shreds your heart is in. Now I never thought that having a heart ripped in two would cause the real world to go away permanently but I'm stunned that it doesn't at least buy some respect for the people who deserve it from the people who should know better.

Socio-paths are socio-paths after all.

I have learned that each loss links the mind and heart back to the greatest loss. Each loss regardless of the nature of that loss. Associated to the great loss or not your brain doesn't know the difference, it just feels the loss all over again. Nifty trick...eh?

I have learned the taste of panic. It's a little metallic and bitter with the knowledge of what could happen.

I have learned that there is a thing out in the world called complicated grief. Its a condition in which the psyche cannot reconcile the loss it has sustained. Some professionals are adept and handling it. Some not so much. It can cause you to stop in the middle of joy and feel guilty.

I have learned that love makes me fierce and anxiety makes me throw up.

I have learned that support can  come from unexpected  places.

What do I want today?

Well, I'll tell you Internet exactly what I want.
I want every person who reads this who has a child or loves a child to go and hug that child.
Feel their little heart beat. Feel their warm little hands and feet. Smell their little heads. Kiss their little faces.

And tomorrow when they get out of their little beds sleepy and tousled and looking for juice I want you to stop for a moment in your kitchen and be grateful. Today you don't know what its like to be in an empty kitchen with your heart in shreds and panic in your mouth.

I hope to hell you never do.

When I'm a grown up.....

I'm a thinker.
You've heard this about me before Internet. But it's true.
I've been a thinker all my life....I'm sure my mother can attest to this.
I remember thinking about things a lot when I was a child. I would spend time thinking about and waiting for when I was a "grown up".
I had a lot of interesting ideas about what it would be like when I "got there".

Some of them ain't gonna happen for sure. Like I highly doubt I'm going to be a Dr/ballerina/cowgirl at this point.
But some of them seemed reasonable to me then and I'm a little sad that they don't seem to be happening now.

I was hoping for more parties, quite frankly. I remember being small watching mom and dad get dressed up and pack a bag to go to Christmas parties at dad's company. There was going to be a dinner and a dance and gifts. And people got dressed up.

People don't really get dressed up and have parties anymore. Or dances or block parties or bbq's. And I'm disappointed in this.I had a picture in my head of having fun interesting things to get dressed up glamorously for. House parties, potlucks, card parties, bonfires, sleepouts, birthday parties, cocktail parties.  Where did all this stuff go? It's only this year that I've been to an honest to God Christmas party.
I am disappoint, adulthood.

I was thinking decision making would get easier when you were a grown up. When I was a kid, I was well aware that I didn't know half of what the hell was going on and so didn't need to make too many decisions. Besides, the adults seemed very sure in the decisions they were making. Resolute, no wavering. So what did I have to be worried about.
So I figured when you got to be an adult you knew what was what and therefore the right decision to make in any given situation. Like somebody handed you a playbook and it said "to get to any outcome, here's your procedure".

Like a life map.

Imagine my surprise when I got here and lo and behold not only do *I* not have a life map but nobody around me does either.

Well, somebeechsheet. As my dad is known to say. Now what? Just wing it? Me no likey.

And the awkwardness. When does that go away? I accepted being a geeky child. Everybody was a geeky child. I was a ok with being an awkward teen too...I mean, I didn't like it but I figured it would wear off. But here I am at 36 and sometimes its like I never got past 14. Where do I stand? What do I say without looking stupid? How do I make myself clear when communicating? Is my hair standing up all over my head? What the hell is that on my pants? How did I just walk into a door in front of an attractive man?

Frig a loo people.

My comfort in this is that we're all in the same boat. I talk to my friends and relatives and they express the same thoughts as me.

No life map, awkward as hell and home on Saturday night.

So I guess its not the end of the world that adult hood didn't hit me like majick wand. I'll muddle my way through like my ancestors before me.

But what the hell am I gonna do with all these party dresses?