Brothering and Sistering. This is how you do it.

April 11th was national Sibling day.
This would have escaped my notice entirely if not for my sister and Facebook.

My sister's status on that day read:

"In honor of National Sibling Day I'd like to send out a big salute to the worlds best brother and sister, Chris Nunn and Jennifer Nunn. You're not just around when it's convenient, but when it's a real pain in the ass too. I love you."

So, naturally I got a bit teary. You can never hear too much that people love you. Especially people who have known you your whole life. Parents are one thing, they kind of have to love you. They made you.


Siblings are a WHOLE different thing. I mean you kinda have a history with them so you love em...but you aint gotta like em. In fact I can tell you stories of what I like to call horror siblings. Brothering and Sistering gone so horribly wrong it would make your hair curl.


But those jerks aren't my brother and sister. Thank God for that.

So in honor of my brother and sister, here's an outline of how brothering and sistering should go. These are based on my brother and sister and there's plenty of people who could learn a thing or two from them.


Brothering.

My brother is the show-up-ingest dude I know.
I got a problem, I call my brother. He hangs windows and paints walls and hauls furniture. He will gladly speak to anyone who disrespects  our sister or I.
He's the first guy to show up and the last guy to leave.
When our sister was in ICU he cut her grass and did her gardens so she didn't have to worry and her husband didn't have to think about it. We paced the halls together for two days that week.

I take my 12 year old nephew with me to his house to show him how men should act. He accepts my boy even if he's not our blood. He talks to him, and plays with him and praises him. My nephew's dad is a great guy, but you can never have too many good examples.

This is how brothering should go. Brothers are supposed to be your example of how a man should treat you. Their job is to go first into the world to make sure everybody knows you have backup.

They're supposed to eyeball the guy you are dating and tell you from a man perspective if he's a loser or not.


Sistering

My sister is the got-your-back-ingest girl I know. You sure as hell don't want to be overheard talking trash about me near my sister. No sir. That's trouble.
She's the first one to tell me if I'm being a jerk and the first one to tell anybody else who suggests it where they can go.

She'd never let me leave the house looking bad.
She shops with me to make sure I look good.

When Mom is away we split "Dad duty". We make sure there is food in the fridge and the house is reasonably clean.

I take her with me and my ex sister in law when we go out. My ex sister in law doesn't have a sister and that's a damned shame. So I share mine with her.

She reminds me that I'm worthy of what ever I want in this life. She gets upset if I don't believe her.

This is how sistering should go. Sisters are supposed to prop you up when you're down. They're supposed to make sure you and everybody else remembers that you're a rock star.

Their job is to tell you if your friends are really frienemies.


This is the barest outline of Brothering and Sistering. There is a whole depth of support and acceptance that I cannot put into words but am eternally grateful for. I feel a lot of empathy for people who don't have siblings, or have siblings who don't know how to do the job.

If you are one such person, feel free to share this blog with your siblings. We'll show 'em how it's supposed to be done.



That's us....WAY back in the day. No, my sister didn't let me leave the house in that shirt.

Thank God for the children.

Recently I've seen two very good examples of teenagers protesting what they feel is unfair behavior by their elders.

The kids in a high school in the US are protesting the firing of a teacher who was terminated when her lesbian partnership became public knowledge.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/high-school-fires-teacher-after-her-partners-name-appeared-i




Another teen is filing an injunction against her principle who threatened her college career for daring to stand up against a conservative speaker who was using inflammatory rhetoric to give misinformation about the effectiveness of birth control and push her personal religious agenda.

http://thinkprogress.org/health/2013/04/17/1883121/west-virginia-abstinence-assembly/


This is not the first time I've seen teens doing great things to uphold the moral standards they've been taught and I applaud them and others like them.

But I'm a thinker, Internet. I do a lot of thinking. Sometimes when I ought to be sleeping.

While it is fantastic that these kids have the moral fiber  and fortitude to stand up to authority in the name of what's right, I'm disturbed that they need to.

These are still children. They should not have to defend the right. That's supposed to be the Grown Up's job.

We spend a lot of time and resources as adults teaching our kids the right way to act. We have rallies and anti bullying campaigns. We monitor their media intake for content, we lecture them about being polite and empathetic.

Then we don't necessarily walk the talk.

As a society we are bogged down in religious intolerance, and bigotry and hate.
We participate in political smear campaigns with glee and love watching "Reality Tv" wherein combatants disrespect each other and gossip and plot.

We demonize other cultures in the name of fear, and name call on social media.

So, thank God for the children. They seem to be living the life we are supposed to be mirroring for them. They're not perfect by any means, they're kids after all. But at least they're trying.

It would be a really fantastic state of affairs if we as the Adults would remember that we need to practice what we preach or we lose our moral authority to direct.

The kids are watching, so let's be really really clear about what they are seeing and whether or not it's what we want them to see.

Dear Steve;

Dear Steve;



You don't know me, and that's ok. You probably wouldn't like me anyway. I'm fine with that, I'm not too thrilled about you, either.

Here's why you won't like me Steve. I made a list. I'm a bit of a list maker.

I'm a Woman.
Yessir. It's true. It looks to me like you don't like women very much, Steve. You claim to have lost control over your caucus and are unable to curtail their anti abortion debate hoopla. Well, for a man who has exercised the most control over his caucus in Canadian history (some say it's draconian, but I'm not so sure about that) I don't buy that you've lost control. I think this is a calculated attempt to test the current political waters and see how much we women are willing to tolerate on this issue. I urge caution here, Steve. I really do. I don't know if you've noticed but angry Canadian women are a bit of a handful. We have long memories.
It also occurs to me that you don't like to support women who DO have babies. The current cuts to EI would make it very difficult for women who take maternal leave to get EI later if their jobs dry up. Which in this economy let's face it, is a real possibility.
I certainly don't feel like you have my back so to speak....you know. As a woman.

I'm a Canadian
Which I understand you are too. That's what I hear anyway. It seems odd to me though that a man born in this country would show such disrespect for it's name. I mean, replacing the name of the country with your own name is pretty disrespectful, don'tcha think? I just hate calling it the Harper Government. It doesn't have the same ring to it.
 My grandfather served in the Canadian military (not the Harper military, mind you) I have a great respect for our veterans. Which is another point we differ on. I just keep thinking that anyone who stands up for this country and chooses to leave it to fight should have whatever they need when they get home. This includes the funds for their relatives to bury them and extensive mental health care if it's required.

I'm a Socialist.
Dyed in the wool, sir. I love socialism. I may grumble about my taxes but I'd rather pay them and walk around happy knowing that they're helping people who are vulnerable. I have this odd theory, see. That the country that can count on each other can prosper together. That a society is judged on it's ability to take care of it's least powerful. Not it's most.
Now in fairness, I'm employed in health care, which in Canada is universal so I may be biased. Then again maybe I have a very good insight into what our tax dollars buy us. And what would be lost if we don't continue to take care of each other.

I'm a Conservationist.
From a long line of tree hugging hippies. No kidding. So I gotta tell you Steve, this removal of protection for our waterways at the same time an oil pipeline goes through throws alllll sorts of flags for me. Ok, they're actually air raid sirens.
I'm not so foolish as to think the Oil sands are going away. As the second largest reserve of oil on the planet, it's here to stay. I just think we need to be a little more cautious about how we pull the stuff outta the ground. I  mean, since the oil isn't going anywhere, we have the time to do this thing right. Not go at it like drunken frat boys. You  know, like we're doing right now.
I gotta tell you Steve, while I see the benefit of making sure we maximise our profit from the black gold I think it would be wise to ensure our continued use of the blue gold. You know, WATER. That substance that without which life on this planet as we know it would change. The stuff that the great lakes currently hold 21% of the world's portion of drinkable allotment.
You remember the Great Lakes, don't ya Steve? That's where you want to allow the pipe line to go. Right next to the greatest fresh system of water in North America. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm an Aunt
I know this one may confuse you.
That's cool.
I have 5 nephews. They're my boys. I get a little fierce if I think somebody is messing with them. I think you're messing with them, Steve.
I think if you are allowed to continue running rough shod over their country; their country is going to go from being one of the best places on earth to one of the worst.  We're already an international embarrassment. You've ruined our reputation on the international stage. You've taken the surplus our parents gave you and turned it into the debt my boys are going to have to pay for.
You're trying to tell them that there is so much in Canada to be afraid of, and that's simply not true. We don't need the super max prisons you're building and they don't need to be afraid of immigrants. They  also don't need to fear the Quebecois or the protesters.

About the only thing that should scare them in Canada (besides another NHL strike) is you, Steve.

Sincerely
Feminist, Socialist, Tree Hugging, Left wing Aunt Jen

The worst job in the world.

Imagine if you had a job you hated.
I mean it really sucked.

Imaging if you went to work every day with a knot of dread in your stomach cause this job was so horrible.
You have a co-worker who is rotten. I mean for real like some sort of sociopath rotten.

You've been yelled at by this co-worker, you've been ostracised and threatened. You've had lies told about you to all the other staff, horrible offensive lies. And because this co-worker is kind of the office star the lies are believed.

Comments have been made about your physical attributes, or lack thereof and even your clothing style is up for pointed, nasty discussion.

At some points in the parking lot you've been struck. Physically hit.

Now you can't quit this job. It's just not an option.

You have to go. Five days a week (TGIF never sounded so good) you get up, get dressed and head out.

You can't retaliate against this co-worker. It's just not done. Besides, they're bigger. You'd get hurt pretty badly.

The best part of this? Nobody you've spoken to sees this as a problem. The general attitude seems to be "welcome to work. it'll make you tougher"

So, naturally you've quit talking about the harassment and violence.

You've probably become withdrawn and emotional. You feel ill all the time. The stress is really getting to you. You  probably aren't sleeping well.  After all, long term abuse will do that to a person.

So, Internet.
Are you confused by this story? This horrible trip to the land of imagination?
I find it confusing.
I mean, where I work we have a very stringent anti-harassment policy. Its fashioned after the Bill C-168 legislation. It's taken very seriously.
So how could a work place like this exist in Canada? I mean, really. If a co-worker ever struck me in the parking lot of the office the cops would be called. Assault charges laid.

Imagine for a second that this is not a work place. Imagine it's a school.
Does it make sense now?

Until we have the same stringent laws to protect our children in school as we do our adults in their workplaces we are failing.

Straight out failing.

So let's talk about it...

Today is Bell Let's Talk Day.
Now, normally I don't like Bell, I think their customer service is probably the worst in the country.
But I like this initiative.
I really do, even though I'm aware that it's about half Bell advertising.
Why do I like this initiative? Because it seeks to promote dialogue about mental illness.
You know mental illness, it's the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about till they're suffocating in elephant paddies.
So the question is: Why?
Why would people who have a mental illness sit and suffer and not get help?
Two reasons that I can see:
1) stigma
2) lack of knowledge

Let's look at stigma:
Its  a not uncommon misconception that mental illness is indeed a weakness of character, a cry for attention or straight up laziness.
I call bull shit on that
Mental illness is a complex set of neurochemical, perceptive and emotional responses to stimuli that keep people from achieving the goals they set out to do.
Nobody wants to be depressed. Trust me, it sucks in ways that non depressed people can't begin to imagine.
It's not sadness, sadness you can get over.
It's a chemical imbalance.
The problem with it is that it's a chemical imbalance that no research has yet to come up with a key to. There's no map.

Which leads me to a lack of knowledge:
Mental illness, specifically depression has no identified primary neurochemical pathway despite 40 years of concentrated research.
What the hell does that mean?
It means that although we know depression is a chemical imbalance similar to diabetes say, we don't know which chemicals are imbalance in which numbers enough to have a magic cure. We have no insulin for depression.
Why? Well, that's a question for the researchers but my theory is this: the human mind is too complex for a simple quick fix for everybody.
Every experience we have changes who we are and how we perceive things.
So the treatments have to be tailored to the person.
A combination of possibly: drug therapy, talk therapy, diet, exercise, alternative medicine and or spiritual guidance.
Since each protocol has to be tailored to each person, it can take a looooong time to get the elements just right. And you have to keep at the doctors and therapists to make sure you have the best protocol. The one that works for you.


So the irony of mental illness is that when you have depression and each day is a struggle to be able to get the energy and the attention to work and do your basic activities of life and you're struggling alone due to the jaded opinions of those around you, you have to get yourself together enough to be determined to get your treatment protocol organised.

So what can we do? What can we do to support the people around us with this struggle?

Let's get rid of the silence. Let's talk about it.
Lets be wise enough to understand that the first step is to stand behind people who are suffering so that they have the support to go and get a treatment protocol.

Little boy gone.

Today is the Day, Internet.
January the 17th.
Two years ago today two people got up in the morning to get their kids off to school and one of the boys was too still and too pale.
And he stayed that way.
He doesn't laugh in the living room any more and he doesn't fight when he's getting changed any more.

Now, this doesn't mean that he's gone. I can still smell the smell of his little head from time to time. Just randomly. Like when I'm in the car going to work or taking his brother to church.

Why in the car? Well, hell. I don't know.

So what am I going to say two years later? That my heart is still more than a little bit broken? I'd assume that was pretty obvious.

That I still am not sure why he had to go? Well, I kinda do. So that doesn't count.
That the hole got filled in? It didn't. It probably won't.

What I am going to say is that this little piece of the path has taught me some things. Things I wish to hell I didn't know.

Things I wish nobody ever had to learn. But we do, don't we Internet? Cause nobody here gets out alive. We are all on the clock.

Morbid little thing, ain't I?

Today, yes I am. And I have to reiterate. It's my blog. Want sunshine and flowers? Come back tomorrow.

I have learned that the first year is not the hardest. Aww hells no. You're still in shock. The first Christmas and the first Easter and the first anniversary you're still in shock. It's the second year that'll get ya. Shock has a certain insulating quality to it. That's it's job. But by year two the shock is gone and just the raw nerves remain. The hole.

Year two is also far enough away from the main event that some of  people who had the grace to be respectful have lost that grace. There's a sense (and sometimes a direct statement) that it should be in the past and over with by this point. As though grief had an expiry date.

What utter absolute and not to be believed bull shit. Does joy have an expiry date? Or fear? No. Then why should grief?

I have learned that a great heart rending loss doesn't buy you any slack. People who want to be ass holes are gonna do it regardless of the shreds your heart is in. Now I never thought that having a heart ripped in two would cause the real world to go away permanently but I'm stunned that it doesn't at least buy some respect for the people who deserve it from the people who should know better.

Socio-paths are socio-paths after all.

I have learned that each loss links the mind and heart back to the greatest loss. Each loss regardless of the nature of that loss. Associated to the great loss or not your brain doesn't know the difference, it just feels the loss all over again. Nifty trick...eh?

I have learned the taste of panic. It's a little metallic and bitter with the knowledge of what could happen.

I have learned that there is a thing out in the world called complicated grief. Its a condition in which the psyche cannot reconcile the loss it has sustained. Some professionals are adept and handling it. Some not so much. It can cause you to stop in the middle of joy and feel guilty.

I have learned that love makes me fierce and anxiety makes me throw up.

I have learned that support can  come from unexpected  places.

What do I want today?

Well, I'll tell you Internet exactly what I want.
I want every person who reads this who has a child or loves a child to go and hug that child.
Feel their little heart beat. Feel their warm little hands and feet. Smell their little heads. Kiss their little faces.

And tomorrow when they get out of their little beds sleepy and tousled and looking for juice I want you to stop for a moment in your kitchen and be grateful. Today you don't know what its like to be in an empty kitchen with your heart in shreds and panic in your mouth.

I hope to hell you never do.

When I'm a grown up.....

I'm a thinker.
You've heard this about me before Internet. But it's true.
I've been a thinker all my life....I'm sure my mother can attest to this.
I remember thinking about things a lot when I was a child. I would spend time thinking about and waiting for when I was a "grown up".
I had a lot of interesting ideas about what it would be like when I "got there".

Some of them ain't gonna happen for sure. Like I highly doubt I'm going to be a Dr/ballerina/cowgirl at this point.
But some of them seemed reasonable to me then and I'm a little sad that they don't seem to be happening now.

I was hoping for more parties, quite frankly. I remember being small watching mom and dad get dressed up and pack a bag to go to Christmas parties at dad's company. There was going to be a dinner and a dance and gifts. And people got dressed up.

People don't really get dressed up and have parties anymore. Or dances or block parties or bbq's. And I'm disappointed in this.I had a picture in my head of having fun interesting things to get dressed up glamorously for. House parties, potlucks, card parties, bonfires, sleepouts, birthday parties, cocktail parties.  Where did all this stuff go? It's only this year that I've been to an honest to God Christmas party.
I am disappoint, adulthood.

I was thinking decision making would get easier when you were a grown up. When I was a kid, I was well aware that I didn't know half of what the hell was going on and so didn't need to make too many decisions. Besides, the adults seemed very sure in the decisions they were making. Resolute, no wavering. So what did I have to be worried about.
So I figured when you got to be an adult you knew what was what and therefore the right decision to make in any given situation. Like somebody handed you a playbook and it said "to get to any outcome, here's your procedure".

Like a life map.

Imagine my surprise when I got here and lo and behold not only do *I* not have a life map but nobody around me does either.

Well, somebeechsheet. As my dad is known to say. Now what? Just wing it? Me no likey.

And the awkwardness. When does that go away? I accepted being a geeky child. Everybody was a geeky child. I was a ok with being an awkward teen too...I mean, I didn't like it but I figured it would wear off. But here I am at 36 and sometimes its like I never got past 14. Where do I stand? What do I say without looking stupid? How do I make myself clear when communicating? Is my hair standing up all over my head? What the hell is that on my pants? How did I just walk into a door in front of an attractive man?

Frig a loo people.

My comfort in this is that we're all in the same boat. I talk to my friends and relatives and they express the same thoughts as me.

No life map, awkward as hell and home on Saturday night.

So I guess its not the end of the world that adult hood didn't hit me like majick wand. I'll muddle my way through like my ancestors before me.

But what the hell am I gonna do with all these party dresses?