the death of the Frienemy

I've been thinking long and hard about this and what I want is for the "frienemy" phenomenon to die a quick and painful death.

<sup>Now  I don't know how this plays out for men, or if they even bother but I can tell you how it usually plays out for women. You have a woman in your life whom you share things with who can be counted on to not really be happy for you and may say snide hurtful things during your happy times and may even sabotage you.


I'm sure, there are a multitude of deep psychological, sociological and even evolutionary reasons for this phenomenon. We could fill volumes on the insecurity that breeds this, the competition for resources and recognition.

Basically I call Bullshit on the whole thing.

In my humble opinion (and it's my blog so if you don't like my opinion there's the door) frienemies stem from jealousy, plain and simple.

Jealousy is a funny thing. Everybody gets it from time to time but not every body feels entitled to act upon it. I've certainly had my fair share but I've always seen it as my problem, not the problem of the person who incites it.

So I guess frienemies confuse me. They trip my logic switch. If you're somebody's friend, by definition you want what's good for them and are happy when they are happy. If you are their enemy you don't participate in their happy times. Never the two shall meet.

If you are jealous of your friend's fortune it's a signal to you that you want what they have in some form, but it's your problem not theirs.

The whole phenomenon feels like high school to me. Back stabbing, sabotage, snide remarks. It's the passive aggressive Olympics. Gold goes to the woman who can make her friend feel the worst at her happiest time.

As a feminist I have a problem with this. The world is a better place for women now than it has been, depending on where you live. But it could be better. In order for it to be better women have to stick together. Have each other's backs. Support each other for real. Not wait for opportunities to screw each other over. Any union rep will tell you that dividing your membership depletes your bargaining power.  A united group gets what they want.

How are we ever going to marshall our resources to create real progress for our daughters if this is the kind of silly childish behaviour we subscribe to?

Our daughters are watching us. Their media reflects what they are seeing. Gossip Girl, One tree hill, Internet bullying, the list goes on. They are learning to be hateful towards other women because that's what they see. They see it in us.

So I'm challenging women today. Deal with your jealousy like an adult please. See it for what it is. Your problem. Your insecurity. Not an excuse to jump on other women either aggressively or passive aggressively. If you decide you actually don't like the person you're dealing with. Don't pretend. Move on.

It's time to leave high school ladies.</sup>