When I'm a grown up.....

I'm a thinker.
You've heard this about me before Internet. But it's true.
I've been a thinker all my life....I'm sure my mother can attest to this.
I remember thinking about things a lot when I was a child. I would spend time thinking about and waiting for when I was a "grown up".
I had a lot of interesting ideas about what it would be like when I "got there".

Some of them ain't gonna happen for sure. Like I highly doubt I'm going to be a Dr/ballerina/cowgirl at this point.
But some of them seemed reasonable to me then and I'm a little sad that they don't seem to be happening now.

I was hoping for more parties, quite frankly. I remember being small watching mom and dad get dressed up and pack a bag to go to Christmas parties at dad's company. There was going to be a dinner and a dance and gifts. And people got dressed up.

People don't really get dressed up and have parties anymore. Or dances or block parties or bbq's. And I'm disappointed in this.I had a picture in my head of having fun interesting things to get dressed up glamorously for. House parties, potlucks, card parties, bonfires, sleepouts, birthday parties, cocktail parties.  Where did all this stuff go? It's only this year that I've been to an honest to God Christmas party.
I am disappoint, adulthood.

I was thinking decision making would get easier when you were a grown up. When I was a kid, I was well aware that I didn't know half of what the hell was going on and so didn't need to make too many decisions. Besides, the adults seemed very sure in the decisions they were making. Resolute, no wavering. So what did I have to be worried about.
So I figured when you got to be an adult you knew what was what and therefore the right decision to make in any given situation. Like somebody handed you a playbook and it said "to get to any outcome, here's your procedure".

Like a life map.

Imagine my surprise when I got here and lo and behold not only do *I* not have a life map but nobody around me does either.

Well, somebeechsheet. As my dad is known to say. Now what? Just wing it? Me no likey.

And the awkwardness. When does that go away? I accepted being a geeky child. Everybody was a geeky child. I was a ok with being an awkward teen too...I mean, I didn't like it but I figured it would wear off. But here I am at 36 and sometimes its like I never got past 14. Where do I stand? What do I say without looking stupid? How do I make myself clear when communicating? Is my hair standing up all over my head? What the hell is that on my pants? How did I just walk into a door in front of an attractive man?

Frig a loo people.

My comfort in this is that we're all in the same boat. I talk to my friends and relatives and they express the same thoughts as me.

No life map, awkward as hell and home on Saturday night.

So I guess its not the end of the world that adult hood didn't hit me like majick wand. I'll muddle my way through like my ancestors before me.

But what the hell am I gonna do with all these party dresses?